May 2026
so much nature!! published on may 31, 2026
I didn't mean to take a hiatus. I truly was just not motivated to work on my site. Oops. Here's a blog post though!
adventures
Hard to remember exactly what I got up to this month because there's a lot. It might be out of order.
For the first time in my many years in the Twin Cities Metro, I have visited Theodore Wirth Park. I had seen signs for it for years and maybe even been through it in a car in the past. I really don't remember, but actually stopping to visit it was extremely pleasant. My partner and I sought out Quaking Bog specifically. I adore bogs, fens, muskegs, etc. I just love them. Unfortunately, they were doing maintenance on the boardwalk, so we couldn't go far out in it. We ended up hiking around it then making our way to the Eloise Butler Garden after being slightly lost. If you live in the metro area and haven't going to the Eloise Butler Garden, please do!! It was fantastic. There's all sorts of wonderful things. There was a survey done in it that found that the bee population is extremely diverse, and it included the Minnesota state bee, the Rusty Patch Bumblebee. There was also a number of native solitary bees which are affected by the increase in honeybee populations.
This awesome fern.
I forgot what this was.
Found my first jack-in-the-pulpit. I would find many many more later on.
Also forgot what this was.
The first (?) cars + craft of the year happened this month. It's more controlled than it used to be which is a good thing but also kinda boring. Regardless, there were some cool ass cars. Most notably, an extremely clean VW Caddy. In the surrounded parking lots were many miatas, one GT-Four, an og bug, etc.
We met up with some coworkers of a friend, and this one random kid that some of them knew from their volunteer work. He just perfectly fit into the group, so we invited him to join us for the Ojibwe Forest Rally. On the way out, we had a clean Crown Vic roll up with like a 10% tint. We gawked at it then the window started rolling down. It was the new friend. It was so rad. It was really funny to roll out to a local diner with everyone while in the xB. They all had cooler cars, and my partner and I have our very practical shitbox.
Speaking of the shitbox, she had some tiny work on it. Truly not much. We noticed that the transmission is loud and hates hills. Did a drain and fill on it. Turns out there's water getting into it somehow. She's due for another drain and fill soon. I also had a scare with the coolant thinking it was disappearing. She has also decided to rough idle for funsies. Throttle body cleaning to do and potentially a belt bearing. Ahhh............... is okay. Is Toyota. Indestructible car.
We babysat our friend's mom's cat, Belinda. She's a brown mackerel tabby, and she's only about a year old. Lots of spunk. She LOVES garbage. I gave her a little stringy piece of plastic. She was obsessed. We babysat her when she was like 6 months old which being so young made it easier for her to adjust. This time around, it was harder. She was pretty scared the first couple days. Eventually, she started sprinting around and being normal. In her eyes, I was the food-giver and my partner was the chasing-around-the-house person. I adore that cat. She was so good and did not get into too much shit. Also, amazing mouser. She didn't get any kills, but she knew where they were. I might ask for her in the winter.. or get my own cat lmao.
10/10 loaf
She slept in this chair and on my partner's desk in our office while I was up there.
And she slept in this chair when we were downstairs.
She looks like this cat.
Art-a-Whirl happened again. I would have sold in it, but I couldn't because of financial reasons. Instead, we attended and saw art. It was similar to the previous year. Nothing crazy or new.
My partner and I did a small hike to test out our hiking setup. I got bit by chiggers. I hate bug bites so much. DPH gel is my bug bite relief. I swear by that magical hat man goo. Anyways, we hiked Interstate on the Minnesota side. We did the entirety of the park in one big loop. Due to parking, we did it in reverse (to us), so we did the 300 steps to start rather than going down them. I was convinced that I was dying. Piece by piece everything was failing me while going up those steps. Before we even got started, my trekking poles broke. We're going to turn those into sticks for a sail while canoeing or something. We'll make use of the trash. Then my head was so hot from my hat. I had to open my shirt too. I was just dying. Now that I think about it, I definitely got bit the fuck up by chiggers because it was all on my torso and that's where I hadn't put bug spray.
We were trying picaridin instead of deet. I hate deet because it's sticky and it's a sensory nightmare for me. I did some specific placement of picaridin, but it was assuming that I'd never open my shirt... and we ate our snacks were there were a lot of chiggers... We're camping in the near future which is going to be very fun. I'll be writing about it in the June blog post.
Wild Geranium everywhere!!
A glacial pothole.
St. Croix River
Northern Maidenhair Fern
We've gone to our local parks a lot and one time to the Como Conservatory. Many birds and plants to see!!
Pineapple! (conservatory)
Jack-in-the-Pulpits are everywhere!
He scares me.
Osprey nest
We did some brief canoeing at a park, and we watched an osprey dive for a fish. It was really rad. Naturemaxxing fr.
I am writing this from my parents' house. Fran, the family dog, is pretty low energy as of late. I think she has a toothache. Poor dog. My parents fail to take her to the vet thinking that she's "just fine," but she's old. They gotta know what's going on with her. If I had the money, I'd be taking her myself. I am staying in my brother's room because he's away in the army. I still feel odd about that, but he's loving it. He's doing well learning non-tread mechanics. If he's going to do military, might as well be in a specialty. My mom's car is falling apart. What's new? All of her cars disintegrate because she drives hard and picks shitty cars. This household are American crossover only. Soooo the worst built cars in the USDM.... I am trying to convince her to get a reasonable toyota because it will handle her abuse, but my dad is actually braindead when it comes to cars. My parents are both brain dead I swear, and I am finding it more and more annoying to visit them. My dad acts like he knows how fixing things works despite never doing it himself because he "just wants to relax." I had to help him figure out his newly acquired Harley... I know fuck all about motorcycles, but he had to idea how to take the seats off of it or read the really well organized manual. I think he's gonna flip his shit when that thing inevitably leaks oil all over his garage. He also told me that grass lawns are "pretty," and I kind of puked in my mouth a little. He's the most boomer-brained Gen X person I have ever met. Dads do this thing with daughters where the second they become conscious, they are their enemy. When I formed my own thoughts and had developed human empathy, he'd just yell at me constantly. These parents also punished me for forgetting things because I "forgot on purpose."
I am spending my time at this house with my stoned mom (thank god she's stoned she actually has NPD) and my grandmother. I drove my grandmother's new-to-her Focus which is a fun zippy little thing. Every time I come back, I remember how much I love NOT living with them. I have never been homesick except for my home with my partner. So, I am here wishing I was back in my nest and my car with my partner in Minneapolis cause I forgot how much I can't stand the people that told 12 year old me that I was "nobody" and feared that my things would be set out on the curb whenever I left the house. I go into a whole emotional rabbit hole remembering that I would invite only five people to my own wedding while my partner who requires a wedding has a whole giant family to invite. I'd be so fucking lonely at my own wedding... I really, really don't want one, but I said I'd do it if it was at the Duluth Aquarium so I could hang out with the fish at least. The fish didn't hit me with spoons as a child or tell me that I was ugly or tell me that I was stupid or made me dump a kitten on the side of the road to die and told me to shup up and stop crying about it or refuse medication for a parasite infection I had or.. etc etc. My parents did all of that, and everyone else defends my parents so they don't deserve to know about my life.
It's been an emotional week. It's hormones, but also because I can't stand this place. I dream of no contact.. if only my brother and grandmother didn't live with them.
wellbeing
The summer sun is amazing, but it's killing me. My medication make my eyes struggle. The world is so fucking bright it hurts. The world is also sooo hot. Aaaa toasty.
On the topic of medication, I’ve had growing suspicions about having autism. The medication practically erased my anxiety which has uncovered many things that align with autism. I do dislike the self-diagnosed people that say they have autism for attention. What they do is really damaging, so what I am going to be careful with what I say because I lack a professional diagnosis. For me personally, a diagnosis wouldn’t fix anything except reduce the worry that people wouldn’t believe me. I don’t think that’s worth the money. I’m uninsured and in the US. The political landscape isn’t good to people with autism or with helping people with medical costs. I am also dubious of the assessments because there needs to be other things done by a professional. Just know that I do align with people with autism in those screenings, but it's not a diagnosis itself.
I also have to clarify that I am having a straight up bad time with the suspected autism. It’s not quirky fun cutie look at me yay I have hyperfixations. I feel like a genuine imposter of a human being. Sure, the wear pattern in my shoes is funny or my love for regular traffic cars is cute. Those parts are fun, but I really feel like I act uncanny to other people. This is worsened by my big, empty lexapro eyes. I feel like an alien. I can't interact with people, and it affects how my partner and I interact which stirs up some bad times. I have all of these indescribable feelings and experiences, but I feel like if I attempt to describe them, someone's going to say "everyone feels that in some way!" but that same person has a group of friends and has no issue interacting with the world. It makes me want to smash my face in.
I fucked up at a stop sign while driving, and I cried about it profusely when I was home. I could cry about it now. I could cry about social interactions because I felt too weird or a joke didn't land. I feel like I am too weird or somehow manipulative or just too dumb or too smart. People I want to talk to think I hate them and the people I hate think I like them. Everyone around me hears things I do not say, and they expect me to understand all of their implications. It puts me on the brink of a meltdown. I am deeply embarrassed about my meltdowns too. I hate that they happen. My partner doesn't know what to do about them, and I wish I could just pause them for him. It makes me feel like my skin is melting off of my body when I am asked "what do you need?" cause I have no fucking clue what I need other than a lobotomy. There's so many other issues I have that I simply cannot explain in words. They're feelings that are like eldritch horrors. They can only be experienced not recited. I wish it just ended at liking trains, planes, and cars a little too much.
Things I can explain that I thought were unique to me:
✷ Saying people's names is incredibly intimate. I can't even say my partner's name directly to him. I have never called my parents "mom" and "dad."
✷ Casual things are incredibly revealing and intimate. I'd rather scalp myself than play music I listen to for someone else or explain something I am reading to someone.
✷ For the life of me, I cannot understand board games or card games. I actually cannot understand them, but I try so hard. This is something I could cry about also.
✷ I have to know every single detail about a plan or none at all. If I don't have an exact time to show up somewhere, I will feel nauseous all day.
✷ I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. I hate phone calls. It could be the a phone call that gets me a job or insurance or an important appointment, and I will not do it. I hate phone calls.
✷ My car could fall apart and I'd be a little upset, but if a restaurant that I was planning on going to one night was closed, my world is in shambles.
✷ I need things to be rehashed over and over. I have to understand every single why.
✷ If someone tells me about something bad in their life (like their boss sucks), I need them to tell me what response they expect from me. Otherwise, I will default to advice.
There's also that constant yearning. I don't know what for. I just need something else. The little adventures my partner and I have been doing have helped me with that though.
If anyone relates, I'd love to hear about it if you're comfortable sharing. If you are diagnosed or a professional, I would love some advice for literally anything. I spent 25 years with these symptoms being completely masked by my anxiety. With my lexapro, I actually cannot mask anymore. I am involuntarily unmasking, so I welcome any advice. So far, I've been rawdogging it and trying to not care. It's hard to not care though. I actually really hate experiencing all of this, and I am doing my best to be patient.
last notes + vibes
If you are interested in seeing the work I have made, you can find it in the fish feed. Sketchbook pages can be found here.
Garden has been started and almost fully planted. You can find that stuff at my garden page.
The sky was prettier in person, but this was the view from the xB one evening.
Hank the cat visited again. He's so sweet. He sets off my camera.
I had this PERFECT limeade. I gasped when I saw it.
I made a ramp pizza on the first day of May with a homemade pizza crust.
Owner of this car watched me look at it.
The Dacia Logan that FINISHED the Nürburgring 24 Hours is a legend.
june
Like I mentioned, I'll write about my camping trip in the June blog. I'm really excited for it. Not much else is planned for me. July has the Duluth air show and EAA.
Anyways, have a good June you all :)